


Smile like you Mean it

by PrincessStrife



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, M/M, Mild Language
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-10-28
Updated: 2015-01-07
Packaged: 2018-02-22 23:03:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2524973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrincessStrife/pseuds/PrincessStrife
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rin returns home from his first year of professional swimming in Australia with an unwelcome guest.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This chapter is a bit angsty and contains unrequited love, but I do plan to continue in the near future, so hope is not lost! Also, for the purposes of this writing, since I am an english speaker, please assume all non italicised text as spoken in Japanese, and italicised text as spoken in English, but usually you can tell by the context if I miss one. Enjoy! (I love feedback!!!)

“5:30 in Tokyo, right?” I mumbled for the third time in my fifth telephone call.  If it was anyone else on the other end, they might have been annoyed—but instead, a patient voice confirmed.   
  
“That’s when his flight lands, I checked this morning it hasn’t changed. But have you gotten ahold of him yet? Does he know you’re coming?” Gou’s voice was a twitch concerned, but I didn’t let it effect me.  
  
“He answers my calls about as often as he answers yours,” The irritation in my voice probably showed, but I hoped it was still clear to her that I was just as much excited and happy to see her brother. It had been at least a few months since I’d talked to him, save brief text messages and comments on his Facebook. Even longer had it been since I’d seen him in person. It had been a year and 4 months since Rin had left to train in Australia, and he might have stayed longer if Gou hadn’t begged him to come home for the New Year.  If she hadn’t, I would have.  
  
So much had been left unsaid between him and I, not that I’d intended it to be that way. It seemed that one day, Rin was asking me to continue swimming, and the next I went to call him he was on his way to the airport. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t hurt by it.  I might not have been if I’d at least seen it coming.   
  
Rin seemed to be so apologetic about having left the first time, I assumed he understood the way it affected me. At least, understood enough to say goodbye. But in the end, I knew Rin well enough to know that he needed things spelled out for him. There was a lot I planned to say to him at the end of our third year, things I should never have waited to say. If I’d said it, just said it, maybe he’d have stayed, at the very least he would have given me warning that we were about to repeat the past.   
  
“Sousuke?” I snapped from my thoughts at the sound of his sister’s voice. “Did you hear me?”  
  
“—- Uh, no, I’m sorry, the phone must have cut out.” I responded gruffly.  
  
“I said if you’re planning to meet him you better leave soon, you’re taking the train, right?”   
  
“Oh, no I rented a car…”   
  
“A car?” She sounded confused as to why I would go to the expense, but it would all make sense to her soon.

I held in a nervous laugh as I tried to shrug off her question. “Yeah, but, in any case I better be leaving. Thanks Gou, sorry for all the calls.”  
  
“K—-!!” was all she had time to exclaim before I ended the call and put the phone back in my pocket. The plastic of my cell phone clattered against a little velvet box it now shared the space with.  The item inside weighed practically nothing, but the symbolic weight of it was heavy.   
  
The move on my part would be drastic, not as drastic as it could have been (At least that’s what I told myself).  I planned my words carefully—and it was harder than you’d think, condensing years of feelings into a few sentences.   
  
Starting the car, I repeated the words I’d been practicing. “Rin, I know this is sudden, and maybe unexpected, but there’s something I need to tell you. I’ve been waiting years to say it,  and I can’t wait anymore. I have feelings for you, you’re more than just a friend to me and I think I’ve always known it, its fine if you don’t feel the same way.” No, it really wasn’t—but I continued to the empty seat beside me. “… but if you do feel the same way, I bought you this ring, and I want you to wear it, it’s a promise that I’m always going to  be there for you and I’m always going to…” This wasn’t going to work if I couldn’t even say it to an empty car.

“—Love you.” There.   
  
Other than the speech, the plan was pretty much flawless. I’d surprise him at the airport, offer to drive him to Gou’s, or his hotel, or wherever the hell he was staying. After a 9 hour flight, he’d be hungry. I’d buy him dinner at the teppan place he loves to catch up. Then I’d take him back to my apartment for drinks, and that’s when I’d tell him. We could have sex if he wanted to, but I had no expectations. Nothing could go wrong, aside from the extreme possibility of rejection.   
  
The sight of the air traffic tower couldn’t have come soon enough, planes gliding overhead as I approached it. Having arrived a few minutes early, I took some time to stand against the door of the parked car, watching the skies for arriving planes, wondering which of them Rin had taken. Months of planning were finally coming to their close as the clock ticked down to 5:30, and Rin was closing his gap to the ground. Even as I walked toward the baggage claim, I watched the skies, knowing that the next time I looked down, I might be laying eyes on him again.  Through the sliding doors of the airport, my vision turned from the low hanging sun turned to signs above the conveyer belts.  I took my place beneath the lighted sign that read “5:30PM – Sydney, Australia”  
  
I could see the tops of heads gathering around the conveyer belt as bags began to pour out, and with one deep breath, I scanned the crowd. The bustle of the airport went silent at the moment I caught a sight of a single strand of his fiery hair, I followed the trail of it down below his face, it was longer then when I last saw him, framing his smiling face down to his collar bone. His image grew closer to me, but he was standing still, it was my feet that were moving, and yet I couldn’t feel my steps against the ground. Slowly, his head turned to me, his expression turning from neutral pleasure to surprise, and the silence broke with the sound of his voice.   
  
“….Sousuke?!” And he was trotting toward me. He smiled, I smiled, and we merely stood in front of each other, speechless, until his baffled lips parted again. “What are you doing here?” He asked through laughter.  
  
“Nice to see you too,” I teased him, still grinning down at his very slightly changed face, “I thought the train was kind of a shitty welcome back, I live close by and I thought you’d want a ride.”  
  
It was in that moment my expression muddled, as both of our heads turned to be approached by a tall white man, his sandy blond hair tucked beneath a cap, one I’d only ever seen Rin wear.  His arm snaked around Rin’s shoulder, and he began to speak to him in English. I didn’t speak enough to understand at the speed he was speaking, and even if I could, I doubt I could have made it out over the furious pounding of my pulse in my ears as I watched him touch Rin so casually. Rin didn’t  shrink  or shy away from his touch, he seemed to lean into it, and his smile shifted from me to him.   
  
“…Who is this?” I asked, straining my voice not to sound shell shocked by his tag along. But it seemed the man has likely just asked the same thing by Rin’s fluty laughter.   
  
“ _Baby, this is Sousuke, the friend I was telling you about,_ ” The only word of the English I could make out was ‘baby’. I knew what that meant. Even if I didn’t, I knew exactly what this man was to him by the abundance of other signs, flashing red in my face. As Rin spoke, his lips curved into a smile I hadn’t seen since he was young, his voice becoming high and almost child-like, and his attention given fully to this man as though I hadn’t just asked the same question. If I had ignored all of that, I wouldn’t have been able to reject that as Rin’s hand came up to meet the arm around his shoulder, his finger glittered with a broad, but dazzling band, the gold ring inlaid with diamonds the likes of which no one with a brain would purchase for a ‘friend’.   
  
Only by the time that his fingers were curled shamelessly around the nameless man’s, and my heart was buried firmly in the pit of my stomach did he even acknowledge that I had spoken.   
  
“I was going to wait to tell everyone, when we were all together…!” Rin said, his face beaming with joy but his voice wavering with nerves. He now withdrew his hand, perhaps reminded by my scrutinous stare that such blatant physical affection between two men was not as well received here as it may have been in Australia. It wasn’t my intention to make him feel judged, but that must have been how he took it.    
  
“ _—I’m Andrew._ ” The sandy-headed man cut Rin off something Rin would have been enraged if I had done. He extended a hand to me and smiled.  The words were simple enough, I knew what he said, but I pretended not to and ignored the hand, which Rin took again in his own.  
  
“This is Andrew,” Rin repeated for him, “We met on my swim team, we’re sort of involved so I’m bringing him home to meet my family.” He made his words as casual as he could for me, probably thinking I wouldn’t notice the ring.    
  
“But listen,” He continued quickly, not giving me time to react to the first statement, “You came all this way, we were just going to get some dinner since neither of us ate on the flight, do you want to come with us?” There was a pause where Rin leaned in to Andrew and relayed that he’d invited me to dinner, at least I assumed that’s what he was saying.   
  
He glanced back at me, sizing up my reaction. In fairness, he wasn’t as nervous as most might be. While he’d never outright told me that he was gay, I knew, and he knew that I knew. As for my own sexuality, I doubt Rin had even an inkling, despite my numerous attempts at hinting bisexuality, I don’t think that Rin understood the concept, and with my having dated women, he seemed to reject the idea that I might date a man, even if I spelled it out for him. Rin was that bad at taking hints. Almost as bad as he was at telling me things. Like his potential engagement.   
  
With an inaudible sigh, I nodded and forced a smile. Despite being caught between absolute rage and a crippling wave of depression, the mixture of the two put me into something of a state of shock, and with any relevant emotion far out of my grasp, more time with Rin was a blessing regardless of the circumstances.  
  
And Rin smiled back at me, eyes closed, how sweet it was, and I let my vision blur beyond his grinning face, masking out the terrible presence of that other man. And that’s exactly what he was to me… ‘the other man’. He stayed beyond my vision and my thoughts as we took my rented car to  a nearby restaurant, and I kept him from the conversation as long as I could. But soon our words shifted from Rin’s progress and my time in college (which he was quite enthused about) to the dreaded story of how they met.   
  
Such a long, funny, witty tale it must have been by the enthusiasm with which Rin was telling it. But I focused on the ringing of my ears more closely than this story.  I only began to listen more attentively when I finally let my eyes fall upon the man beside him on the other side of the table, staring at Rin like he was foolish puppy as he spoke a language he clearly didn’t understand.  Even if only to spite him, I listened to him half-way through.

“And there he was, leaning against the lockers after practice just watching me blow dry my hair, and out of no where he said ‘Go out with me.’ Not even a question just ‘go out with me’. And I thought for sure he was messing around with me or making fun of me because he thought I didn’t speak English, but then all of his buddies started hooting and cheering.  And of course I was a little put off because no one would ask like that here, I told him ‘You can’t just ask me like that!’”  
  
Rin still laughed at this story he’d probably heard a thousand times before. And Andrew laughed along with him, likely guessing the content of the story by the voices and hand gestures Rin was charading. I didn’t know where the story was going, but the way Rin portrayed his attitude put a sour taste in my mouth.   
  
“But then I knew he wasn’t teasing me because he shrugged and said ‘take it or leave it.’” Rin rubbed Andrew’s arm as he recited this line, like it was something romantic that didn’t make him seem like a scum bag. “I was so surprised by  how confident he was that I just said ‘yes.’ I regretted it all day until he came to pick me up and he brought me roses and took me out to dinner—It was perfect.”  
  
Cutting off Rin once again, Andrew spoke now in horribly broken Japanese, he must have practiced this sentence, and for what I could make out it was “One year later I asked him to marry me.”  
  
Here, Andrew leaned in and touched his lips to Rin’s, catching both myself and Rin by surprise. I wish I’d seen it coming… if I had, I might have watched more closely to savor the image of Rin just before he was kissed, the instant before I had absolutely no hope of convincing myself that this was some sort of sick joke. But it happened. Though the peck only lasted a fraction of a second as not to arouse the interests of the other diners, the image of their lips together was burned into my mind for eternity.

Never again could I imagine Rin in a pure state of innocence to romance, never could I show him the wonders of romance, never would I be his first kiss, never would I be his first love. Never would I kiss his lips at all. Never would he love me. He loved this man I’d never met, and he’d be his forever.  
  
It was too much. After sitting sufficiently long in silence as Rin giggled and shrugged off his lover, exclaiming first in English, and then in Japanese, “ _I wanted to tell him!!!_  – I’m sorry Sousuke I wanted to tell you myself, he has a hard time keeping his mouth shut! But the proposal was perfect too.” The two of them laughed together once more, I was silent.   
  
As not to seem like it were those words that bothered me, I forced out a sincere sounding. “…Congratulations, Rin. I’m happy for you.” I gave the words enough time for Rin to translate and for them both to thank me, and for my next words not to seem suspicious. “It’s getting late and I have class in the morning, so I should be going.” Hopefully I’d saved myself the story of the engagement.   
  
As I shelled out a few bills, Rin frowned and whined in his normal fashion, complaining that I should stay for drinks, and missing one lecture wouldn’t kill me—It was a struggle to talk at this point but I somehow managed to refuse him with a casual smile.  Even harder was it to maintain this smile when Andrew wrapped a consoling hand around Rin’s shoulder. “You’ll see him again soon, let the man sleep.” He said.   
  
“Well… Andrew wanted to take the train to our hotel anyway… call me tomorrow, okay? We’ll have coffee after your class! I’m free all day!”   
  
With my affirming nod, I was prepared to walk away, but I was caught by the last thing I expected, Rin’s arms, around me. The feeling was bizarre, I didn’t know what I expected to feel like, but it didn’t feel like that. His arms were squeezing me tight, and yet he felt surprisingly fragile…. It was a warm, wonderful feeling. But as I looked down at him, reaching my arm around to pat at his back, all I could think was that this wasn’t how I wanted it to be. The first time I held him, I wanted it to be a loving embrace, and while I’m sure there was love in his grasp, it was nothing more than familial.  
  
“I’ve missed you, Sousuke,” He whispered sweetly against my chest, but it did little to ease how wrong this felt.  It did nothing to mask the on looking eyes of his fiancé, shaking his head and laughing. Mocking me,  I thought.  
  
All I could think to do was smile down at him, but I’m not sure what emotions that expression conveyed, and say “Hey now, you’re not in Australia anymore you can’t just hug me like that. I’ll call you tomorrow.”  
  
And he let go of me, a blush on his face indicating his embarrassment for the little outburst. He waved to bid me goodbye.  
And I let go of him,  my face now unable to hide my swelling disdain. I turned my back to him, and I left.

In the seat of the cold, rented car, the frozen leather against my back served as the physical reminder of the chill that overtook my heart. I leaned forward to avoid it, my forehead was slick against the steering wheel, as I was dripping sweat from my brow despite the cold. The stress was causing it to pour from my skin and tears to leak from my eyes. I felt my body expelling cries that I couldn’t hear, pain in my fists from pounding against the surface of the dashboard, and tight burning in my chest as I struggled to breathe.  I simply sank against the wheel, my vision falling to my feet, and what should clatter out before me but that weight in my pocket. That glittering collection of stones and metal that just a few hours ago meant so much, was now meaningless… the same as my affections for him.

_To be continued._


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sousuke wakes up to an unexpected surprise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies if this one is a bit boring, I've been sick and my creativity is shot. I promise you'll love the next one, it will be up soon. (I love feedback!!)

I opened my eyes to the late morning sun, beaming through the window and flooding the room with light. My first instinct was to think that I’d overslept, but as a reached over to grab my cell phone, my hand instead met with a tall plastic trophy that clattered to the floor on impact.  
  
“—Shit!”

Sitting up, I found myself not in my apartment, but in the bedroom I hadn’t slept in since middle school, save a few visits home for the holidays. Before I had the time to fully recall the previous nights events, the small thump of my trophy had already summoned my mother. Almost as though she was worriedly waiting outside my door for me to wake up.  
  
Her concerned voice entered the room before she had slid open my door, but not a second later was she beside my bed, offering me a glass of water.  
  
“I was so worried!” She exclaimed, forcing the glass into my hand when I did not take it soon enough for her liking. She was only a bit taller than me as I sat on my bed, but despite her height, my mother was a woman that you didn’t disobey. As  I downed the water I listened to her story of how I knocked on her door, drunk, my rental car parked crooked and scratched in our small driveway, while I blubbered like a child to her about how my life was over.  
  
“I’m sorry, mom,” I repeated, each time thinking she was done,  only to have her continue.  
  
Finally, her rant culminated in taking my hand and slapping several times at the back of my wrist, though not very hard.  
  
“I swear, Sousuke! You and your father will be the death of me one day. I’m going to be an old woman one day still worrying on my death bed about my FOOLISH child!” She sat  herself down next to me on my bed, her tone softened, as did the touches to the back of my hand. “Tell me what happened. You tried to last night but I couldn’t understand you.”  
  
I scratched my head, my eyes searching the room for anything to focus on but my mother, but in the time I spent trying to avoid her question, I failed to think up a believable lie. Idiotically, I stammered. “I uh.. well… it’s… you know.” Silence bridged us as a  I failed to come up with anything more than that.  
  
“Is this about Rin again?” She asked, not mockingly, but sympathetically. My only response was to nod half heartedly. A far bit of shame surrounded the small acknowledgment of her suspicion, but none of it came from her. My mother was one of those remarkable women who could speak to hear family, even in silence, and it seemed that from the time I was small she knew that I would desire Rin as more than a friend. I’d never admitted it to her clearly, but I never lied to my mother.  
  
When I was 12, I didn’t lie when she asked if I missed him.  
When I was 15, I didn’t lie when she asked if I had a crush on him.  
When I was 19, I didn’t lie when she asked if I loved him. 

  
She never pushed me any further then those questions, once I’d given her my answer she would simply nod, pat my shoulder, send me a smile, and go on. I think her intention was to let me figure it out on my own, and not to try and influence me into doing anything. Because of this, she had very little idea what kind of relationship I had developed with Rin once he returned in our 3rd year. Perhaps she assumed that when I spoke to others about my ‘best friend’ I was merely being polite.  
  
An expression of shock grew on her face as she studied mine, seeing the heartbreak in my eyes must have aroused her long unused instincts to protect me. “…Did you two break up?!” She asked in a near panic.  
  
I could only laugh and shake my head, back and forth as I whispered, “No…no…no…” The first utterance was for her confirmation, the subsequent for my personal comfort. I would have been so lucky to feel that sort of heartbreak, it would mean I would have known the happiness of being with him to begin with.    
  
“We were never together,” I choked out hastily while trying to maintain my tears, “and he’s with someone else.” As hushed as my voice was, my mother likely only heard me from the sharpness in my whisper. I was half expecting for her eyes to roll at me, for her to pat me on the back and let me drown myself in my own sorrows and ‘figure it out on my own.’  Per her normal agenda, as a young man, my mother would nearly always leave me to solve my own problems, only ever guiding me from afar and instructing me. ‘You’re going to be a grown man some day, and you’ll need to figure these things out by yourself.’ And here I was, a grown man, crying over a man that I’d never had, or have.  
  
A weight lifted off my chest when I felt her squeeze my hand a bit tighter, and curl her free fingers over my shoulder. “…I see.” She pondered, seemingly choosing her next words very carefully.  
  
“…It’s a very… empty feeling, isn’t it? Losing someone you’ve never had… is that what happened?” She questioned.  
  
For the first time ever, I was unable to respond to my mother. She had never been so right about my emotions, an achievement in its own right, and yet I was unable to confirm it under the incredible tightness that sorrow had built in my throat.  A few sobs poured out where air couldn’t pass.  
  
I curled over myself to try to quell the vulnerability I felt, crying openly in front of my mother, but she simply moved closer and rubbed her small hand over my back.  
  
“But you’re wrong… you know that? You and Rin have a beautiful friendship… and that’s not over, no relationship of his is going to take that away. A whole ocean couldn’t do that, remember?”  
  
Her sweet voice came like a cool water on a fresh burn, easing the hurt I was feeling as long as she spoke. “This isn’t the end of the world,” She continued lovingly, “You are a wonderful man, Sousuke, even Rin knows that. You’re going to be loved some day, I promise.”  
  
With these last words, my mother did something rarely did, and wrapped her thin arms as far as she could around my back, and hugged me tight to her for as long as it took my breathing to stabilize behind my wails of malcontent.  
  
This took me a few minutes as I fully processed what she meant to convey. I didn’t feel like it right now, but of course I didn’t. As much as the romantic in me wanted to deny what she had to say, there was nothing I knew better than the simple fact that the future was unpredictable, and there was still hope.  
  
I sat up and my mother withdrew her arms. Slowly I came to look in her eyes, and sheepishly I questioned her for a token of motherly advice. “...So… do you think I should tell him how I feel…?”  
  
Her expression fell, followed my mine, and her hand once again graced my shoulder. “…Sweetheart, you know I’d never say anything to hurt you… but as much as I might have told you to a few years ago… things are different now. If Rin is with someone else, then for now you just have to accept that. Maybe it wont last forever, but you shouldn’t hope for that, and you certainly shouldn’t try to make that happen. If you love Rin, give him the best chance to be happy, even if its not with you…Otherwise you both may end up losing a friend.”  
  
The truth in her words cut me, and as I stared into her eyes, wanted so badly to look away and avoid the honesty and wisdom that filled them. Sensing this, she took my chin gently, forcing me to look at her as she spoke. “It’s going to be okay.” She told me.

‘It’s going to be okay’ I told myself.  
  
And I was so prepared to believe it,  if not a moment later, the both of our sights shot to the corner of the room, where my cell-phone sat nearly dead among the wall of trophies. The sound of vibration was metallic against my shelf, followed by a dying beep.  
  
I shot out of my bed to retrieve it, avoiding he look of disappointment my mother was sending my way. When I ignored her to being frantically to look for a new message before the screen went black, she let out a loud sigh to make sure her feelings about my attachment were known.  
  
Giving her no acknowledgements I opened my only unread text—from Rin. It happened to be the only text I’d received in months, seeing as he was the only one who ever texted me.  In my haste I must have been mouthing the words to myself: “Hey Sousuke… let me know when you’re out of class, I’d like to meet up to talk. How does Sarugaku Coffee at 3 sound?”  
  
My expression was befuddled, when he suggested we meet for coffee the previous night I had assumed that he meant a corner shop, but the place he had in mind was quite a bit more upscale.  As I went to reply, my phone conveniently gave another shill cry, and the screen went black. This sent me into a near panic.  
  
“—I have to go home and charge my phone.” I stated urgently, eliciting a confused look from my mother.  
  
“Don’t you have a class today?”

Fuck.  
  
“I’m already late mom,” I confessed, gesturing toward the clock on my nightstand.  
  
She just shook her head again, but I could see that she was restraining herself from another lecture about responsibility and manhood. “…Well then.” She said bitterly,  before her tone shifted abruptly to the same loving chirp of happiness, “I see no reason why you can’t have breakfast with your mother. It's been too long since I’ve seen you.”  
  
I glanced at her blankly, and then down at my blank cell phone screen. While I was desperate to convene any sort of communication with Rin, it was probably for the better if I didn’t seem too desperate. He probably wasn’t waiting around for my response anyhow… It could wait an hour.  


_To be continued._


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sousuke is late for coffee with Rin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading 2 chapters of this already! I hope you guys like whats to come. (I love feedback!!!)

Breakfast with my mother went about as you’d expect. She provided more food than the two of us could eat, and more conversation than I could keep up with. She wanted to know all about my classes, my teachers, my friends. Maybe with the understanding that I wasn’t a social person, she was hoping that something had changed since high school. I had nothing to say other than the passive utterance of, “I don’t really get out much but my classes are fine.”  
  
I know she was looking for me to reassure her, wanting to know that I wasn’t repeating my middle school years and isolating myself to everything but sports (and now school), in Rin’s absence. Unfortunately, I didn’t have much to say that might comfort her.  The same as always, my thoughts were drifting to him, and the next time would see him. Despite knowing that it would only be a few hours more, my insistence to watch the slow ticking of the clock made the hour spent eating breakfast with my mother worth months of the same anxiety I felt in my teen years, waiting for Rin.   
  
I took no notice of whether I was full, merely to the time I felt I should leave, and I bid my mother goodbye.  I think she was in the understanding that while her words had helped me reach an understanding; it hadn’t eased the pain of that truth.   
  
“Call me if you need anything. Anything,” She told me, walking me out to the damaged rental car, and urging me in quickly in hopes I wouldn’t have time to notice the mangled bumper. As I sat in the driver seat of the rental I would inevitably have to pay for in full, my mother leaned in through the window and gave me a kiss on my head.   
  
“Don’t worry about that. Your father and I were planning on getting you a car anyway. And we can get that bumper fixed.” Momentarily, she pet my head as though I were a small child, but then stiffened to resume her normal authoritarian tone. “Drive safely this time!”

 

Despite my foul mood, I couldn’t help but smile at her as I backed out of the driveway and made my way back to my apartment.   
  
The drive was short, but the trudge up the many flights of stairs long. As always, being too proud to take the elevator, I unlocked my door in a sweat. Stepping inside, I was hit with the painful reminders of yesterday’s optimism. Looking at the wine on the kitchen counter top, and the roses on the living room table, which sat nicely next to a childhood picture of the two of us, I was flooded with visions of myself, the previous day. I could see my shadow, running around my apartment and fussing with each detail, preparing it all with such hope in my heart that I might wake up today, next to him.  But it wasn’t meant to be, I assured myself.

  
After my phone went on its charger, the roses went to the garbage, the photograph back into its album; the wine would be saved for a holiday. Everything was where it belonged. Even Rin, was where he belonged.   
  
I finally sat down to relieve my exhaustion, taking my phone as the screen lit up once more, the text message popping up to greet me. As urgent as I was to reply just a few minutes earlier, I found myself hovering over the keyboard at a loss for what to say.   
  
Of course I wanted to see him, but was I actually ready to see him? Could I be trusted not to burden him with my unwanted emotions at such a happy time in his life? Was it even right to keep seeing him, knowing my feelings for him? I wasn’t sure of any of that.   
  
Despite my conflict, the selfish desire to be near him was heavy enough to bring my fingers down, typing out the message: “Sounds great. See you at 3.”   
  
Resigned, and somewhat depressed, I laid back on my couch and closed my eyes. I wasn’t particularly tired, but I couldn’t think of anything else I would enjoy doing, or anything that would bring me any comfort in my situation. I’d already run crying to my mother, and she’d offered me all she could. Now, there was nothing left to do but let my feelings subside, as I was sure they would in time.   
  
As hard as I tried to clear my mind, my thoughts projected behind my eyelids, showing me visions of him; cherished memories and simple images, my own personal film of his smiling face through all the years I’d known him. I chuckled to myself bitterly at the irony of my mind, in its quieted state, showing me these images like a slideshow at a funeral. My best friend was getting married, and I was in mourning.    
  
But like all grief, I supposed, this would fade.  For now, I succumbed to my own imagination, leading me through the days I spent with him at the beach in the year we first met. Where Rin, terrified of a crab, first jumped into my arms while we were collecting shells.  Babbling helplessly, I carried him off the sand and back to the walkway. I remembered thinking that he weighed hardly anything. Rin was a very small child before a certain age, but he was fast in the water despite it.   
  
We seemed to grow together, but I at a much greater pace. After a year or two, though I was only a few inches taller than him, I felt as though I towered above him. It left me with a lasting need to protect him and make him happy.  But Rin grew more courageous and tenacious by the day, and soon he refused to be carried like a child away from crabs. That was, until few days before he first left for Australia, we went to the beach despite the cold of winter. As Rin said, it would be the last time we’d get to stand on the same side of the ocean.  
  
While our visits over the past few years had always been lighthearted, that day was solemn. Even for Rin, who had almost never shown me a frown when talking about his departure, excitement seemed to turn bitter sweet.   
  
“I’ll write you lots of letters, Sousuke!” He told me, the words putting a smile back onto his lips. “And I’ll think about you all the time!”  
  
Somewhat cynical, even as a boy, I gave him a playful nudge in the shoulder before responding. “Yeah, yeah. I’ll write you too.”  
  
“But promise you’ll think about me!” He insisted.   
  
I remember his face so pristinely, his beaming mouth molding around the precious words. Little did he know that I was always thinking about him, even then. It was easy promise for me to make, but not so easy for me to articulate as a child.   In my shyness, I nodded to him softly. It wasn’t much, but it was enough for him, as his smile grew so wide he could not keep his eyes open and maintain it. He shifted close to me, sneaking one of his ungloved hands into the pocket of my coat.    
  
We stood there like this until our legs were sore, and not even my pocket was enough to warm Rin’s fingers. It was at this point that I had to coax him off the beach.   
  
“We should go, it’s getting dark, and the tides coming in…” I told him, attempting to pull his hand from my jacket, but he wouldn’t budge.   
  
“No.” He insisted, “Not yet…”   
  
After that, it was, “Just a few more minutes,” followed by, “We’ll leave in a second!”

  
Each time, I tried to retrieve his hand from my pocket, and each time he fought me with more and more vigor. Thinking back on it now almost made me cringe, imagining myself forcing Rin’s hand away from mine…but I couldn’t have known in that moment that his hand would one day belong to somebody else.  
  
I could at least be thankful that he didn’t allow me to shoo him, and I took comfort in knowing that at one point, even if it was long ago, Rin wanted me to be near him. If only we could have stayed that way for eternity, the sun never setting, the tide never rising, our paths never parting.  But soon, despite Rin’s childish whims, a frigid wave sneaked at our toes.  
  
While I stepped back in time, Rin’s smaller feet were swallowed by black wave. A squeal of pain left him as the icey water filled his shoes, and in my instinct, I swooped him up off the sand, as though whisking him away from a most ferocious crab. He didn’t complain for my grasp, only whined from the pain in his toes. I set him along the steps up to the beach and sat down in the sand beneath him; without a word I tossed aside his shoes and dried his feet with sleeves of my jacket.   
  
Like a mother kissing a wound, my action seemed to keep Rin’s tears at bay, but seeing they were forming beneath his eyelids, I urged him with my voice as well. “…Hey…don’t cry!” I told him urgently, now rubbing his toes between my hands to warm them.  “—You don’t want to cry on our last day at the beach together!”  
  
I grinned uncharacteristically at him, hoping that my enthusiasm would elicit the same from him. When he sniffled and returned my smile, I removed my boots, slipped my socks off of my feet, and placed them on his instead.  And now he giggled almost uncontrollably.   
  
“Ew!! What are you doing??” Rin squealed from behind his laughter, toes wiggling and ankles twisting as a wrestled my socks onto him.   
  
“Your feet are gonna freeze!” I shouted playfully, hoisting him up into my arms again before he could fuss at my socks. Thankfully, he surrendered to it quickly, wrapping his arms tightly around my shoulders as I carried him off toward home. I always wished I’d savored that moment a bit more, the last time I would hold Rin in my arms like that. Maybe it wasn’t affectionate as I had always interpreted it, but it was something, more than I’d ever have again.  
  
The next day, when Rin was gone, I went back to that beach to retrieve any trace of him. But footsteps in the sand are only temporary, and even the shoes we’d left behind had been washed away, just like he had.   
  
My phone gave a shrill cry, and I jolted upright. Seizing it in my hand, I swiped the screen to reveal the notification for several text messages.  
  
  
  
I panicked as I read the time stamps, replying as urgently as I could. 3 hours had passed as I sank into the world of my past. It hadn’t felt like it, but the fuzziness in my head told me that I must have fallen asleep. It didn’t even consider that my response was a complete lie. But what was I supposed to say?  
  
“Sorry Rin, I’m a mess today. I slept in, skipped class, and then went back to sleep.”   
  
At least this way I gave the illusion that my world hadn’t stopped when he got engaged.

Frantically I threw on an over shirt and jacket, but didn’t bothering to change my old pair of jeans. I stepped out into the cold, taking my seat in the icy car and speeding out toward the coffee shop. By the time I had weaved through the traffic and parked my car in the nearest lot, I was already a half hour late. Even as I elected to sprint the rest of the way, sweat dripping from my brow in the frigid air, the clock on my phone read 3:38 PM when I reached the entrance to the small café. I might have gotten there sooner if I’d taken the train, or if I’d realized the shop was in the center’s basement.  
  
I was already late, so I took a moment to wipe my brow and catch my breath before I entered the quiet, dimly lit little shop. It was something of an upscale place, one I’d heard of but never actually been to. Rather than bother with the menu, I ordered a black coffee and looked around for Rin as I waited. I did not see him immediately, leaving me poking my head around secluded corners while a few other patrons and workers looked on in confusion.   
  
Finally, I spotted him, headphones on, sipping at his own cup of coffee as he flicked his finger over the surface of a tablet. Rin was covered from head to toe in mismatched winter wear, most of it oversized. He hardly looked put together, but still, he took my breath away as he blew on his hot cup of coffee.   
  
I struggled to keep my hand from shaking as I sat down across from him. I think I appeared calm, but the cup clattered horribly against the polished wood table. The vibration caught Rin’s attention, pushing his headphones back off his ears and sitting up a bit more straight in his chair.    
  
“Finally decided to show up?” He asked coldly, though I could tell he was struggling to hold back a smile.   


I elected to respond with equal sternness. “…I’m sorry… I got in a car accident on the way here…I think the guy’s okay, I told him I had to be somewhere.”  
  
“What?!” Rin snapped back in horror, his voice drawing the attention of a few others in the café.  “Are you fucking crazy?!”  
  
I couldn’t help but burst into a quiet laughter, most of it muffling in my nose. As I did so my legs were assaulted by kicks from Rin’s shoes, but he laughed as well. He always did no matter how awful my tricks were.  
  
“…Oh my god, I thought you were serious!” He muttered, catching his breath though his own giggles, and giving me one last sharp kick before calming down. “So how were your classes?”  
  
“…Fine.” I said simply, taking a sip of my own coffee. Though it burned my tongue, it was worth avoiding having to concoct a more elaborate lie.  “How’s your time back been?... I see you’ve forgotten how to dress for winter.”  
  
Rin looked tempted to kick me under the table again, but he took mercy and responded as calmly as he could. “I had to borrow some of Andrew’s clothes, I didn’t pack very many winter clothes to bring to Australia, I think my mom threw out the rest the clothes I left behind. I haven’t had time to go shopping yet.”  
  
I simply nodded in acknowledgement, knowing better than to question anything when it came to Rin’s mother. She had never been particularly accepting of the ways that Rin differed from the average boy, and I frankly wasn’t surprised that they weren’t speaking.   
  
“—but other than that its been great… “ He continued, “we’re staying in a really nice hotel, pretty much everyone I know is in Tokyo now, and Gou is coming up tomorrow. I was planning on taking everyone out to dinner to make the big announcement.”  
  
I forced a smile for his sake, but could only manage for a moment before I hid behind my cup. “Who is everyone?” I asked.  
  
“Well, You, Haru and his old team, Gou, and hopefully she’ll be able to bring Momo and Ai up with her… We’ll see.”  
  
I rolled my eyes at the thought of having to sit through dinner with Haru and his friends, much less spending another evening with Rin’s fiancé, but for such an occasion I didn’t have much of a choice.    
  
“So then why are we here today?” I asked calmly, curving up the inflection of my voice as to make the words seem less rude.  
  
Rin still gave me an un-amused stare, simply shaking his head at my sarcasm. “Well… you know, couldn’t be that I wanted to catch up with my best friend. We didn’t get to talk much about you last night, and we probably won’t tomorrow so I just wanted to know what you’ve been up to.”  
  
It was a reasonable enough request, Rin had already given me a pretty detailed account of how he’d spent his time in Australia, swimming and falling in love.   
  
“I’m majoring in sports science, I want to be a personal trainer… rehabilitation or coach I haven’t decided but I want to do something with swimming.” I told him simply.   
  
Rin smiled, his expression telling me that he was happy for me, but his eyes were missing that same sentiment.  His next words confirmed it for me.  “…So… still haven’t gotten back in the pool yet?”  I think he meant to have the same joking tone as we’d assumed before, but his question rang with disappointment.   
  
“…Afraid not.” I told him, attempting to reassure him with a grin, though I’m certain my eyes were as sad as his. “I don’t have it in me anymore, Rin.”  
  
He let out a loud sigh, nodding to acknowledge my statement; though I could tell it didn’t satisfy him.   
  
I didn’t want him to be sad, I wanted him to understand, so I gave him the best explanation I could. “I can’t do another two years of physical therapy to get me strong enough to swim one stroke.” This wasn’t a lie. After my 3rd year I’d sent my shoulder into an even greater state of disrepair, but that pain wasn’t comparable to my greatest reason.   
  
I’d spent so much of my life swimming to be close to Rin, and I just couldn’t bear for it to be our only connection. I couldn’t let competition dictate our relationship, and I had hoped that we could make one despite it. Unfortunately, that wasn’t in our cards anymore, and now more than ever it was unfair to be swimming in his wake, chasing something I’d never have.    
  
I knew I would break myself if I tried, and now I was certain it would never have the conclusion I wanted it to. All the trophies in the world couldn’t bring Rin back to me, I was better off using my passion to help someone else achieve the dreams I didn’t.   
  
The two of us were caught in silence for a while, but Rin soon lifted his head and asked me pleadingly, “…is this really what you want?”  
  
No. It wasn’t. But I couldn’t have what I wanted anymore. And I would be happy enough this way. “…It’s what I want, now.”  I told him, wanting badly to avoid any more lies with him.   
  
The two of us exchanged smiles, though there was some bitterness in each of us. This wasn’t the answer he wanted, and this wasn’t the answer I wanted to give him, but it was the best I could do.  
  
I watched his expression deteriorate, his lips curling down into a tremble, his eyes squinting and glossing over.  “…Things are really different than I grew up thinking they’d be…”  
  
I sighed deeply, reaching my hand across the table to take one of his, removing it from its tight grip around his coffee cup and into the grip of my own. “…Hey, don’t cry.” I told him, trying not to let my voice sound too grim. “Things are different than I thought they’d be too… I know we’re not all together like you wanted but…We’re only a phone call away, Rin. All of us. Me, Haru, your sister… everybody. We’re all here for you, we’re all happy for you.”  
  
Despite my request, tears began to fall from him, which he refused to acknowledge.  “I’m not crying…” He insisted, using his scarf to dab at the small stream with his free hand, his other stayed in my grasp.  Despite the tears, his eyes seemed to brighten as he digested my words. He wanted to hear that we were happy for him.  
  
“I wasn’t finished. We’re all happy….for your career and your marriage.” I told him firmly. Even with my feelings surrounding his fiancé, this was the truth. I wasn’t unhappy for Rin, I was just sad for myself. But I wanted his happiness, I wanted his dreams, I wanted what was best for him, even if it wasn’t me. And in this moment, I was prepared to tell him any truth I could to prevent this precious time with him from growing sour.    
  
Sure enough, my words reached him. He nodded, and the tears stopped falling, his mouth forming a tight grin around his white teeth.   
  
“…you always know how to make me feel better.” He whispered, squeezing my fingers a few times in quick succession and sniffing back any more impending tears.  “…Listen… I didn’t just bring you here to catch up… I wanted to talk to you about something important before I talk to everyone else tomorrow.”   
  
“Oh yeah?” I said casually, offering him a napkin in case his nose decided to drip after his emotional display. The two of us were still clutching each others fingers, and it seemed that for the moment, we’d stay that way.   
  
He refused the napkin, and instead placed his remaining hand around mine.   
  
“…You’ve been so important to my life, Sousuke, You’ve been my best friend for as long as I can remember, and you’ve been someone whose always been there for me and strong for me and its meant so much. I’ve been thinking really hard about how this going to work, because I really want you to be my best man and I’m pretty sure you were expecting that. But I’ve also been thinking and I know my mom won’t be there. and my dad can’t be there even if he could…”  
  
I felt my eyebrows knotting in skepticism for the fact that Rin had bothered to preface his statement, but that didn’t prepare me for what he was about to say.   
  
“Usually the man to walk you down the isle is your father, but next is the man who’s walked you through life, you know? And maybe its not exactly traditional, but I figure we’re not exactly the most traditional couple anyway. So… I want you to give me away at my wedding…”  
  
The words hit me like a bullet train, ripping through my chest without warning and leaving me lying in the carnage of my broken heart all over again. This request shouldn’t have come as a shock to me, but I couldn’t convince myself that Rin would really want me for the job. I had hardly begun to prepare myself for the task of best man, though I had known it was coming, but the thought of walking Rin, clad in white, to stand with another man at the alter bore into me like a red-hot blade. I digested his words, but I still felt wounded. If it weren’t for Rin’s pleading eye, I wouldn’t have had the strength to respond.  
  
Speechless, I nodded to acknowledge his words, but Rin seemed to be clear that I hadn’t yet agreed, so he waited in silence. It was clear by the look of worry on his face that he was expecting an immediate answer, but I just couldn’t give it to him so hastily.   
  
Being his best man would require a great deal of my attention paid to the event, and I just wasn’t certain how supportive I could be expected to be of him. I couldn’t predict to what degree I’d be involved, so I couldn’t be sure that what he expected of me wouldn’t be past my breaking point.  If taking him to get his suit fitted and planning a bachelor party didn’t destroy me, I was certain that having to consent to his devotion to a stranger would.  But I looked up to Rin, seeing in his expression that he was verging on a melt down as he prepared for me to say no. ….But I just couldn’t bear to be the source of any more disappointment for him. I couldn’t look him in the eye and deny him the special moment he might have had with his father. If I was the best person for the job in his absence, then I wouldn’t make him give it up a second time. I wanted Rin to be happy, he deserved to have everything he wanted at his wedding.   
  
“…Okay, Rin. I’ll do it.” I told him with a nod, his face lighting up as he restrained to throw himself across the table at me.   
  
“Really?!” He laughed a bit too loudly for the quiet coffee shop, not giving me time to confirm before he released both of my hands and dove at his iPad.  
  
“—We’re having it in Japan, technically our Marriage isn’t ‘legal’ in Japan or Australia but we want to have our ceremony here since his friends and family can probably travel easier than mine. But then we’re going on our honeymoon in America—Andrew’s got dual citizenship there so we can get the papers signed and everything—Oh and we’re having it next spring, during the break in our competition season… here, Isn’t it beautiful?”  
  
Rin spoke faster than I could respond to any one point of conversation; he only paused to show me a picture of what appeared to be a secluded beach-front hotel.   
  
“…Yes, it is.” I told him simply, struggling to hide the disappointment in my voice. If I was failing, I don’t think Rin would have heard it as he surrounded himself with his excitement over wedding planning. Rin had always been quick to different emotions, so I let him revel in his happy ones.   
  
I myself was still reeling from the beginning of our conversation. If anything, this was proof of indeed, how much things had changed between us. I didn’t know that my heart could survive months of this treatment, listening to Rin revel in his joy for another man. But I’d endured pain for his sake before, and I would do it again.   
  
 _To be continued._


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sousuke presents Rin with an unlikely gift.

Rin spent the afternoon briefing me on the fine details that he’d decided on for his wedding, and asking for my opinions on all number of insignificant things. I spent most of my time nodding in agreement; that certain shades of pink went better with white, or that red meat was a better option than fish. I didn’t care the slightest bit about what his wedding looked like, but I knew well enough to watch Rin’s reactions as he showed me each option, and only agreed with the choice he showed the most enthusiasm about. 

As he scrolled through his choices of flower arrangements, I ignored the bouquets and studied his face instead. Though he was able to give me the positives of each one, I caught his eyes fawning longingly over a particular set up of pink lilies and white roses. I didn’t even look at the picture before giving him my overwhelming approval. “That one’s perfect for you.”

“Really?!” His eyes lit up in amazement as he looked back at the image on the screen. “—These are my favorite, I just worried they were too expensive.”

“It’s your wedding day!” I reminded him comfortingly. A twinge of sadism ran through me as I thought of poor Andrew, having to fulfill Rin’s expensive whims of the perfect white wedding. I couldn’t bring myself to feel guilt, as I was absolved as by how grateful I would have been to be in his position if it cost me my life, much less my money. 

“…You’re right.” He said firmly, ticking off his favorites of each of the items while disregarding any marked price. I smiled to myself, thinking what a joy he must be feeling, indulging himself and surrounding himself with all of these beautiful things. Rin had been denied so much in his life, I would be damned if I saw him denied the wedding of his dreams. 

As I could see him preparing to dive off into another tangent about decorations or music choices, I very politely reminded him that if we were to stay much longer we would be expected to buy another drink. “…Why don’t we take this conversation to my place, I think it’s a little rude to take up the whole table.”

Rin’s thought process halted as he refocused from his iPad to me. “…Oh… yeah I guess you’re right.” Standing, Rin began to wrap himself in the layers of mismatched flannel that he’d entered with, as though prepared to enter a blizzard. 

I couldn’t help but chuckle as he zipped up his oversized jacket to his nose. “…Not used to the cold, huh?” I asked him, standing up and shrugging on my own coat. As Rin fussed with his beanie, I came to within a few inches of him and tugged away the wool scarf from around my shoulders. I gave him a look of seriousness, in hopes to distract him from my shaking hands as I draped the scarf around his shoulders and began to tie it. His eyes peeked just beyond the layers of clothing, they met me with innocence and confusion.  
“…You look like you need it more than I do.” I explained, now offering him the mittens he’d left sitting on the table. 

Perhaps it was too affectionate of a gesture to have given him, as it seemed to leave him floored. The most I could do was remain stoic in hopes that he would soon pass it off. Thankfully, he then took the gloves gratefully in hand and slid them on, rubbing them together as we prepared to step out into the cold. 

“Your place sounds great,” He mused, taking his place at my side.

I led him back out into the nipping wind, holding the door open for him as he appeared busied with rubbing his hands together, and he heeled at my side. It was only a 5 minute or so walk over to the station’s parking lot, but it must have been an eternity to Rin in the cold. After about 30 seconds, he moved himself close to me as though my scarf around him hadn’t offered him enough warmth… so I put my arm around him too.

To my surprise, once again, Rin said nothing to dispel my grasp. While I told myself that this reluctance to repel me was not an invitation to be closer, I couldn’t quite convince myself that he wasn’t secretly yearning for my touch. Even if he only thought of my touch as friendly, I was glad to give it to him.

The two of us were mostly silent as we meandered down a few city blocks en route to the station parking lot; our pause giving Rin a chance to breathe in his surroundings. It had been more than a year since Rin had set foot in his home country, much longer than that since he’d been able to see Tokyo. As his dark red lashes flashed back and forth over his eyes, observing every detail of the cityscape, I admired him in its place. I was close enough to him now, my arm curled tightly around his shoulders, and his head nestled close to my chest, so that I could finally take in the details of his matured face.

Sure, not an immense amount of time had passed, but it was enough to make subtle alterations in the face I’d grown so fond of. His nose had grown to a firmer point, as had his chin in the years since I’d last seen him. His once round, smooth baby cheeks had sculpted perfectly into this beauty of a man. I might have thought him made of stone, had it not been for the small freckles that dotted over his nose and cheeks, the kisses given to him by the Australian sun. 

Yet even now as he was so close I could see every pore in his skin, I looked on him as an unattainable object, his body close, but his desires so far away from me, Rin could have been staring at them beyond the city skyscrapers… Just a few weeks ago, I might have thought myself lucky to be holding Rin this way, but there was no fortune in love for a man who was already claimed.

No sooner had I thought this to myself as he pulled away from me, for a moment I wondered if perhaps I’d done something foolish, I’d gotten too close, or he had caught on to the nature of my touch, but my body swelled with relief as I watched him jog up to my car, parked in the center of the lot. 

“…Damn! What happened here?” Rin exclaimed, leaning over to examine the crushed front bumper. The damage was cosmetic, but obvious. 

“…Some guy backed into me.” I lied, saving myself the lecture on drunk driving.

“That sucks! I guess it’s yours now though!” Rin stood up and kicked the bumper a few times with the toe of his boot, as though checking the stability of it. The gesture was similar to one he employed on me in past years, trying to throw off my balance whenever he observed my bad posture. 

“—Yeah too bad its so damn expensive. But I was saving up for one anyway.” Though I was preoccupied with my heartache, I was present enough to carry on conversation. 

Once situated and car started, I reached to fumble with the heat settings on the console, turning several dials to their maximum. Rin, having just removed his gloves, reached his hand for the dials, and looked surprised to find that mine had beat him there. 

A small chuckle left his lips, and he withdrew his hands to the warmth of his jacket. “…You always were looking out for me…” He muttered, now pulling my scarf up above his nose. Whether it was for warmth of to hide his bashfulness I couldn’t tell.

I mirrored his small laugh to give myself the heir of calm as I teased, “It’s always been my job to make sure you don’t freeze to death.” if he could hide behind my scarf, I could hide behind my confidence. 

Soon the inside of the car was sweltering, and Rin reveled in the new climate. Now relaxed against the leather seat as we began to drive off, Rin seemed to settle into a calm that was stark in comparison to his earlier energy. He took a moment of pause to reflect on what I’d said. 

“Hey…” He responded with an easy laugh. “Do you remember when we were kids… the day before I left you and I went to the beach… and my feet got all wet…?” Apparently, Rin was more observant than I assumed. 

“Yep, I do.” I stated, trying to give him the impression that my attention was now on the road as we began back toward my apartment. 

“…and you put your socks on my feet… It really always has been your job then, hasn’t it? For as long as I can remember…” Rin trailed in ponderance, his eyes tracing over the small swirling patterns of my car’s ceiling.   
I merely hummed in acknowledgement. Deeply, I was touched that his mind had wandered to the same small memory as mine. I couldn’t be certain if that memory held the same special place in his heart as it did mine, but I could hope, and at least attempt to convince myself that his tone of calm was one of reverence of that special day. 

But just as soon as we both seemed to reach that point of mutual fondness, Rin snatched it away as he suddenly lurched forward to rummage on the ground, all of his tender words gone as quickly as they came.

“…What are you doing…?” I asked him after a moment. I did give him a moment of pause to explain what he was doing with his head ducked beneath my dashboard, but Rin was never one to explain his actions unless demanded.

“—What’s this?” His bubbly voice sounded as his head popped back up. 

I looked over briefly to see what Rin held in his hands. My heart ceased to beat and my ears rang like I was back in that airport. Unable to breath, unable to process anything at the sight of that little object, I stamped on my breaks as an act of protest to reality. My only awakening was blaring of car horns behind me, and Rin’s cry of shock, just as shrill.

“What the fuck!” Rin reached over to slap me quite hard on the shoulder. It wasn’t as though it was dangerous at this point, I was already stopped in the middle of the road.

“…I… Uh… sorry…” I stammered, staring at the tiny velvet box that Rin held between his fingers. He looked genuinely concerned, studying my face to see that the little box had driven me into such a shock. I wanted to rip it from his hands and toss it away, but what would that do besides cause more of a fuss…

I swallowed the lump in my throat and continued my drive. Rin, still perplexed, shook the box as though mocking me. “…You really didn’t want me to see this huh…?”

There was a small chuckle behind his comment, and I could merely reply honestly. “…No, I ... I was going to wait until after the wedding to tell you…” I stammered, eliciting another giggle at my expense. Humiliation ran through me, In that moment I was completely transparent, my every feeling and desire at the mercy of his assumptions. 

I could feel his eyes tracing me, gauging my every movement to decide what to make of this. I did my best to give him nothing, my eyes straight ahead, my lips pressed shut, and my chest not so much as rising for breath. I didn’t know if this made the case for calm or nervousness, but any externality was insignificant, as I felt raw under his gaze. 

“…What’s her name?” He whispered weightily. I took a heaving breath through my nose just as Rin began to speak. This wasn’t the reaction I wanted, but then, I wasn’t certain there was any reaction I really wanted. I’d rather him never see it to begin with.

I didn’t answer him, but he didn’t seem to be desperate for one, as the little creak of the opening box filled the room. A gasp left his lips as the light caught the little band. 

“…Sousuke, it’s beautiful…” He was left stunned, as was I. Rin in his study of the ring, I in the study of Rin. The thought passed through me, would this have been his same reaction if he’d known it were for him? Would he pet over the band just as gently, would he smile as softly, would he turn it every which way to watch the diamonds catch the light, would he turn to look at me with the same air of joy and excitement, would his eyes swell and glow with what might be tears… Part of me hoped in this moment that he understood, that perhaps as he looked at me, the two of us were exchanging a gaze of understanding of my love for him, that I might not have to go to the trouble of lies or a painful explanation. 

“So I guess the better question is what’s his name? This clearly isn’t a woman’s ring.” A pang of disappointment shot through my chest, but it was expected. As always, Rin saw only what he wanted to see. It seemed, in this moment, what he wanted was to see me happy with someone else. As much as I wanted to give him that fantasy, I wasn’t blessed with the strength of heart to lie to him again.

“It doesn’t matter. He said no.” I told him simply, never letting my gaze leave his. I hoped my face was strong, but I could see his eyes fill with sadness that mirrored mine. 

“…I’m so sorry…” Rin responded in little more than a whisper. I could tell he wanted to say more, perhaps ask me for a more detailed account, but at least he knew not to put me through that pain. And thank goodness… because I would have told him the truth. 

Rin took the ring out of its box and fiddled with it. “…I don’t know how anyone could refuse such a beautiful ring…” He told me encouragingly, as our eyes left each other in the solemnness of conversation. “…or such an amazing man.”

I scoffed, but no sooner did he correct me. “No, Sousuke, I mean it. You’re an incredible guy… If he couldn’t see that, then he didn’t deserve you anyway.”

“…don’t… don’t say that…” I could only shake my head, and hope it was enough to tell him I couldn’t take anymore of what he must have thought was encouragement. While Rin seemed to miss every queue of my distress, he treaded more delicately with me now.

“…So… what are you going to do with it?”  
He asked, attempting not to trigger anything too emotional within me. 

“…I don’t know. Throw it off a bridge, scrap it for diamonds. I can’t sell it, its custom.”

Rin nodded, further inspecting the ring. “Custom job, huh?…It’s such a shame… It’s so beautiful...” He raised the hand that bore his own engagement ring, holding the box close as though he were comparing the two. 

“It’s nicer than mine!” He joked… at least… I assumed he was joking. His laugh could have just as easily been one of discomfort, but only I was aware of the irony of the situation. “How much did it cost?”

I felt my brow furrow unconsciously. Part of me wanted to chastise him for such a shallow question, but I supposed that it was a reasonable question from a friend. From his observation, he must have been trying to gauge my affections for my would-be fiancé by price. 

“…just shy of 1,000,000 yen.” I answered honestly, keeping my voice casual in hopes of avoiding a panic from my passenger. 

But to no avail. “A MILLION?!” Rin lurched at me from the passenger seat. 

“You asked.” I teased him, only now cracking a smile. “Why, how much did yours cost?”

Rin’s was turned offended now, almost as though he hadn’t just asked me the very same question. But under the realization that he had, he crossed his arms in a huff and responded. “…like… 5000 Australian so he says…. That’s like… half of what you spent. And to think the idiot said no…” He further scoured the two rings now, as though trying to find fault in mine that might make him feel better for his. Apparently, no such discoveries were made, as he muttered bitterly after a few moments. “...lucky bitch…” 

I laughed openly now, giving Rin a nudge across the center console. “Not really, he didn’t get to keep it.” I reminded him. 

“…Well yeah but you went to the trouble to get something made for him, how fucking sweet is that…I mean… I know Andrew got me a nice ring and I love it but there could be a thousand other people out there with the same one…”

“Yeah but they’re probably all chicks so what do you care.”   
“It’s a men’s ring!” He corrected me harshly.  
“Whatever helps you sleep at night.”

He seemed prepared to argue this with me further, but instead he merely huffed in the acknowledgement that I was teasing him. Much to my surprised, his foot rose from the floor, over my gearshift, and onto my shoulder to nudge me with his heel. He always was flexible like that.

I made my best effort to steady the car. “Hey fuck off, I’m driving!” I did my best to sound stern, but I was giggling with him. When his other foot seemed to be making its way toward me, I did all I could think of to cull him. 

“--!! Fine, fine. I’ll tell you what, if you like it so bad you can keep it. Just wear it on your right hand no one will say anything.”

His feet were planted back under his seat almost immediately. “…Really? No… I couldn’t you spent so much money on it…” I could tell he wanted badly to sound sincere, Rin was a sincere person, and I knew his intentions were right, but in his voice there was a wave of contempt and envy. 

Watching him fawn over that little jewel with such desire brought me a wave of physical pain from all directions. Guilt, for letting him covet this object, not knowing its significance to me, but also for not letting him have something he wanted. Whether I did or didn’t let him have it, I would be at fault. By giving it to him, I’d be letting a soon-to-be-married man wear a token of sinful affections. By denying it to him, I’d be planting a seed of resentment in a marriage that hadn’t even begun. 

…but Rin would never know.  
…there was no reason for him to know.  
…he’d be happier this way

My thoughts were racing so that this conclusion took me less than a second to arrive at. “...No, really, I’m not going to get any money back for it. It’s engraved with something stupid, and you know how those shops are, they’ll give me nothing close to what its worth. I’d rather you have it…just wear it as a thumb ring or something.”

Rin squealed with delight, bouncing in his seat like a child as he slipped it onto his thumb. Finding it was too small, he moved to his index finger, which was still too small, then to his middle finger, entirely too small. He made the jump to his pinky ring next, but it would barely stay on. When he’d run out of other fingers to try, I turned my attention to him to watch him slide the band onto his right ring finger. I would be lying to say I wasn’t pleased that the object now glittered on his hand. It may have just been me, but despite its place on an insignificant finger, its glittering drew my eyes away from his engagement band and onto my gift instead. I hoped it would do the same for others. I hoped it would make his fiancé fiercely jealous. I hoped he’d buy him a ring 100 times larger just to outshine it… he deserved it more than anyone. 

“…think you win the record for most expensive friendship ring.” He giggled as I watched him fluttering his fingers from the corner of my eye. Rin was enthralled with it, and I couldn’t be happier… at least for that instant.

I realized after a few moments that any reward I reaped from watching him wear my ring was short lived, and inevitable sadness set in. But I had seen it coming… Yes, his finger was decorated with a year of work at my part-time job, but he saw none of the intention behind it. To him, the failure of that engagement was insignificant, a face he’d never know, a love he’d never understand…perhaps he even thought that giving the ring to a friend might bring me healing. But I was under no delusions. I was stifling any healing I might have…but I wasn’t ready to heal from him. I wasn’t ready to leave my love for him. 

After sufficient fawning, Rin turned his attention back to me, perhaps realizing that he hadn’t yet finished his words of sympathy. But the two of us were now pulling into the driveway of my apartment. Strangely, as I parked and turned off the engine, the both of us sat in the cold car with no intentions to exit.

Finally, Rin spoke up. “…You don’t seem like you’re ready to talk about what happened with it yet… but I want you to know that I’m here if you need anything. If you ever want this back…” He held up his newly ring hand “Or you want me to come with you to throw it off a bridge or pawn it or whatever you want to do… I’ll support you okay?”

He offered me the kindest smile I’d ever seen from him, and he reached his ringed hand across to take my empty one. “…if you ever want to tell me what happened… I’m here for you.”

I couldn’t quite meet his eye, his sympathy felt warm, but the irony or his words iced over any comfort it brought me. I felt almost sick now, the thought of walking him through my door, into the room I imagined myself holding him in, instead discussing tuxedos and flower arrangements for his wedding. He wore my ring, but not my love.

“…Listen… I’d love to keep planning with you, but I just realize I have a bunch of homework due tomorrow… maybe we can meet up after dinner tomorrow instead?”

I prayed this explanation would satisfy him, and thankfully Rin was sympathetic.   
“…Fine…” He mused with a small smile, “I’ll text you the name of the restaurant… we’ll probably meet around 7… but we’re going to have a lot to talk about! We’re getting married in 5 months and I’ve still got a lot to do… But it’s probably better to talk about tuxedos and stuff when all the groomsmen are there huh?” Rin stepped cheerily out of my car, buttoning himself up to his nose in his down jacket. 

“…Do you want me to drive you to the station, its cold…” I called out to him but Rin had already begun his quick jog around the corner. 

“The station is a minute away I’ll be fine! Text me!” And with that he had slipped away, as quickly as always.

Alone, I let myself into my apartment, still sterile from my frantic cleaning, and collapsed onto my couch. Tomorrow would be easier, I told myself. Tomorrow would be easier.


End file.
